Growing up as a Mormon, there was a strong emphasis on not judging others. As a child, I thought judging was wrong no matter what until it was pointed out that we are supposed to judge righteously. But what did that mean? Didn’t that just make an excuse to judge others?
To judge righteously doesn’t mean we get to label others or jump to conclusions. I know how much it hurts to be misunderstood and especially to have people spread misinformation when they don’t even know me, but reading this, it makes total sense. One of our church’s General Authorities explained this concept very well in a talk called “Judge Not” and Judging.
Elder Oaks helps clear up confusion for those so focused on teachings like “Judge not lest ye be judged”. If there were a boy I didn’t feel comfortable going on a date with – well, I didn’t want to be judgmental. If I said “no”, wouldn’t that mean I was judging him? Or choosing friends? For me to turn down an offer to hang out because I thought a group of friends might be a bad influence, wouldn’t that be judging too?
Yes, it would, but it would be righteous judgment. I could be friendly to the teenagers at my school who spent their time smoking and doing drugs, but I could also judge that it would be unwise to spend time alone with them. Elder Oaks says we’re not to make final judgments, so I wouldn’t make comments about the destination of their souls – I’m just setting a boundary to keep myself safe.
As a mother, I feel like I make more judgments than I ever did before. I have to carefully observe anyone who might influence my children including their teachers, babysitters, friends, friends’ parents, etc. Most of the time, I have to judge that I don’t know enough about a person to put my child in their care. If my kids have a friend who wants to play, I have to get to know their parents. Sadly, my son hit if off with a child whose parents have allowed him to roam the neighborhood at the age of 5 with a child almost twice his age. Because of the older child’s influence, this boy has learned things he shouldn’t that are quite disturbing. I couldn’t consent for my son and him to get together and play because his parents haven’t monitored his whereabouts well or the media he has been exposed to. Due to an incident that happened on the Kindergarten bus, I was also led to believe he may have been abused. Obviously, I can’t put my son in that same environment and it breaks my heart that this boy is missing out on friendships.
The subject of judging came up during an unrelated discussion with some friends. She felt I and others were judging a woman based on who she married, that we were making a sweeping judgment. We have gone round and round, but we don’t seem to see each other’s point of view because of our life experiences. We simply stated that if a woman were to knowingly marry a registered sex offender, we wouldn’t leave our children with her or her husband. She didn’t understand why, but it seemed perfectly obvious to us. The woman in question didn’t seem to be worried about him offending again when she married him, which leads us to believe that if our children were to be left in her care, she might not prevent harm from coming to them. We were not saying that all offenders’ wives are (fill in the blank), but if presented with the opportunity, we wouldn’t leave our children with the wife in her home. I do know of women in this situation who would never even dream of watching other people’s children due to the problems it would cause for her family.
The conversation was a bit frustrating, but I’m grateful for the chance I had to reflect on this subject, examine my own attitudes, and read Elder Oaks’ excellent talk again. The best advice from him for me: Judge situations, but not people. I would love to live in a perfect world, but for now, I will have to make judgments that promote the well-being of my family.
I know that Christ is the ultimate judge.
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