Is there a more important decision than who to marry? What could make a bigger impact in a person’s life and the children to follow? I am in a strange situation now that some friends of mine have chosen to get divorced. Before their marriage, there were red flags galore. They were already fighting with each other. Now there is a child involved and one of them wants me to write a statement on their behalf as a judge determines custody arrangements.
What really shocks me is that I have met more than a few people who got married because they felt guilty. One guy paid for a woman to move to another state and she felt too guilty to break it off. I told her, “You are never obligated to marry anyone! It was his decision to move you up here with his money. You are saving him a lot in the long run if you leave now.” She got to the point where she tried to leave, but she stayed because his kids were begging her not to go.
Another friend wouldn’t break it off because it was rather close to the wedding and her husband had been dumped once before close to his wedding – 10 days or less. She couldn’t stand for that to happen to him twice. So she sacrificed her happiness and ultimately his by marrying him and it’s been years of severe struggle, even from their honeymoon.
I couldn’t believe my ears when a friend told me that her husband married her because she cried. He had started to break it off and she was bawling. So the marriage was back on. Actually, I’ve heard two such stories.
I understand not wanting to hurt another person, but this is marriage! The rest of your life! Or the rest of eternity if you’re Mormon. Yes, you will break someone’s heart and it will hurt for a while if you call off a wedding (and it will be embarrassing), but it’s nothing compared to going through a divorce and having children that you will no longer get to see every day.
I can’t imagine a life where I can’t be with my children every day. I can’t imagine growing up without being with each of my parents every day. A married couple I know each came from divorced parents and it still pains them. It’s also very inconvenient because they have four sets of people to visit on Christmas who refuse to be in the same room with each other.
One major theme I’ve noticed in marriages that fall apart (or were already falling apart and never should have happened in the first place) is that one or both people has the intent to change the other person – almost as if they aren’t really in love with them but in love with the idea of getting married. It wasn’t even a week later when a man I know suddenly took issue with his wife’s weight, making demands that she start going to the gym. He met her and married her overweight. When she called him on that, he replied, “But I knew I could change you.”
If you’re considering getting married, please make the decision for the right reasons and don’t make it based on someone else’s feelings. I’m begging you.
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